Yesterday morning I was really mad at my husband. I woke up furious. He said “good morning” and I shot daggers at him instead of answering. I stomped around in the bathroom as we were getting ready for work, slamming drawers and sighing loud sighs.
“Are you upset?” he asked.
What made you deduce that, genius?
“Yes!” I replied with an eye roll.
He really is clueless sometimes.
“Um…. what did I do?”
Ugh. Do I have to spell everything out for him?
“I had a dream that I was trying to clean the house and the kids were running all around and had a bunch of friends over and they spilled Cheetos on the floor and stepped all over them and ground them into the carpet and then spilled juice all over and you were sitting on the couch with a beer watching football. I asked you to help me and you told me to wait until the game was over!”
He looked at me.
“Wait. So you’re mad at me for something I did in a dream?”
“No, I’m made at what you didn’t do and the fact that that particular scenario could easily play out in real life. I’m mad that you didn’t even think to help me. You can be so selfish sometimes.”
He stared at me.
“I’m sorry?” he tried.
“Is that an apology or a question?”
He kept staring at me.
“I have no idea what I am supposed to say right now.”
He looked so confused and forlorn that it made me realize how crazy I was being. I guess it is slightly insane to hold a grudge over something that my mind made up while we were both sleeping, right? Truth be told, that’s not the first time I’ve been pissed off at him over some transgression he did in a dream.
It made me think of all the other unfair times I get mad at him that make no sense:
I can go an entire month of eating only lettuce and kale and lose a total of 1.5 lbs. He can eat a Reduced Fat Oreo instead of a regular Oreo one time and lose 20 lbs. What in the holy hell? So unfair. And so infuriating. But he can’t help that his male metabolism is still functioning any more than I can help that mine died an untimely death many years ago, I guess. I still get mad at him, though.
Our children do not ask him to do anything
Literally nothing. What is up with that? They will walk right past him while he is sitting on the couch watching football with a beer (SEE! That dream was based TRUTH!) to come find me while I am up to my elbows in dishes and have 15 baskets of laundry at my feet to tell me they are hungry and want a snack. Are you for serious right now?!?! ASK YOUR %*#^@ing FATHER! Of course, I don’t actually scream obscenities at my children. Instead, I march over to my dear husband and yell at him to help his children. Again, he looks confusedly at me and doesn’t understand why I am mad at him.
He can wake up, brush his teeth, and be ready for the day
There is no blow dryer, flat iron, foundation, mascara, eyeshadow,or leg shaving involved in his morning routine. I don’t think this is very fair. Do you know what I could do with that extra 45 minutes of sleep? Probably have more dreams about him pissing me off, for one.
Speaking of leaving the house, my dear husband can just leave the house
When it is time to go somewhere, he grabs his car keys, his wallet, and his phone and he is ready to go. I have to make sure the kids are all wearing shirts and shoes and don’t have syrup on their faces, feed the cat, put a load of laundry in, make sure the oven is turned off and the crock pot is turned on, and lock all the doors. Am I the only one that can do things around here? Would my husband help me if I asked him to? Of course. Should I have to ask him? I don’t think so. He should just know. So, basically, I get mad at him because he doesn’t read my mind.
He doesn’t get a period
Every month I am reminded of this fact, and every month it pisses me off.
Now, I am generally a fairly reasonable person. I know that it is unfair to expect my husband to be a mind reader. I know that it is very unreasonable to get upset for something that didn’t even happen in real time and only occurred in my head. I know that I do not really wish for my husband to get a period, that would not be good for any of us. I know these things, but I still get mad at times that don’t make sense. Sue me.