Crazy Sh– My Kids Have Said

We all know kids say crazy stuff. There are television shows about all the darn things they say. My own sweet cherubs are no exception. The following are some of the most memorable stories, mainly because they make me look like an exceptionally crappy parent:

~I was with my daughter when she was four years old.  We had spent the day at an amusement park with the family and the two of us were taking a break on a bench eating a snack. She was eating some jellybeans and watching people go by. She loudly announced “there are a lot of people here!”, and in the same breath “I don’t like the black ones.” I knew she was talking about the jellybeans, but no one else did.

~When my oldest was two, everything had to be a race. Who could get downstairs fastest? Who could make it to the car first? Etcetera. One Sunday we were at church and the kid was being a little shit. He was acting up, screaming, yelling ‘NO’, you know, all things you love your kids to do while the choir is singing “On Eagles’ Wings”. People around us were watching his unfolding temper tantrum fit. I decided to take him out of church and whispered to him we were going out. He took off running down the center aisle and yelled “Mom! Are you going to beat me?” He thought we were racing. The rest of the congregation thought I was going to abuse my child. Good times.

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The Ironies of Motherhood

  1. When you are pregnant, you lay awake in bed at night dreaming of your baby. When the precious bundle arrives, you spend the next 18 years dreaming of being able to sleep through the night.
  1. You look forward to having a childless night out with your spouse or friends, then you spend the entire time thinking, talking, or worrying about your kids.
  1. You have to fight with your child to wake up for school in the morning, but on the week-ends he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn.
  1. The baby finally sleeps through the night, but you wake up in a panic to make sure she is still alive and breathing.

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