Remember the bike in concrete debacle? You can refresh your memory and laugh at my expense by clicking here. Tonight’s 1/2 marathon training run gave the Concrete Bike Debacle (CBD as it is now commonly known) a run for its money.
I should have known it wasn’t going to go well when I started out with lingering heartburn and indigestion issues from last night’s exorbitant amount of garlic. I had one Olive Garden breadstick last night for dinner, ONE, but my body said “no way, Jose! (my body is bilingual) Garlic is not okay! (my body is also a poet). My body’s a jerk.
I was about 4 miles into my run and my heartburn was not getting better. Apparently running does not just make heartburn go away. Who knew? Before I even knew what was happening, the garlic breadstick I ate over 24 hours ago could no longer stand to be in my digestive tract one second longer and came out so violently and explosively that I’m pretty sure I looked like the girl in the Exorcist scene. Luckily it was getting dark out, so there was no one to witness my disgusting display. SUPER lucky, because, in addition to vomiting all over the sidewalk, I also lost all bladder control and pissed my pants.
I was four miles from home and had no choice but to continue running. I felt amazingly better (and 10 lbs lighter) after getting rid of all those pesky bodily fluids. Unfortunately I was running out of daylight and the trail I was running on is not lit. Imagining serial killers and rapists lurking in the woods waiting for me, I chose a different path along some streets that were more lit. I’m sure this was unnecessary, however, as my disgusting aroma would have surely kept any sociopaths away.
About three miles from home, I had plenty of light to feel safe, but then I ran out of sidewalk. The sidewalk I was running on ended abruptly, and the street I was near was too busy to run in, especially in the dark. So I attempted to run in the grass, in the dark, and inevitably ended up sliding in a giant pile of mud. I assume it was mud. It was really dark. Gosh, I hope it was mud. So then I had one shoe covered in “mud” and my running sounded like this “step, squish, step, squish”. I ended up back on a sidewalk and had to cross Dodge Street, the busiest street in the city. As I was crossing, a car full of teenage boys drove by and yelled something out the window that sounded like “MIAMI!”, but I don’t think that was it.