Three year olds: Erratic mood swings and random professions of love

Anyone who has heard of children has heard of the “terrible twos”. Anyone who has actually raised children is all too familiar with the even more disturbing life phase I refer to as the “tyrannical threes”. Threes are way worse than twos. I have raised three through this trying time, and my youngest is currently smack in the middle of his year of tyranny. While three year olds can be incredibly charming, fun, and delightful, they can also be quite unreasonable, demanding, and ridiculous. Often within the same half of a minute.

I have come to the startling conclusion that three year olds have a lot of similarities to another group of interesting individuals that we all know and love. Well, that we all know. For some strange reason I have had a lot of experience observing this particular group in action many, many times. I’m not sure what this says about my social group. Or about me. I’m referring to drunk girls.

Now, before anyone gets offended, know that I am not stereotyping. Drunk guys display behaviors that are also annoying and obnoxious, albeit different from girls’. Maybe they can be covered in a different post. For now, I would like to focus on the ways in which drunk girls are like our little three year old friends

1. Erratic mood swings and random professions of love

Three year old children can go from laughing to crying and back to laughing in 1.2 seconds. Prompting us grown-ups to chant “Laugher- Crier, Laugher- Crier” as if this is at all going to help any situation. In the midst of these random changes of mood, three year olds also love to tell us how much they love us. Or don’t love us.

Yesterday I was meandering through the aisles of Wal-Mart looking for Skinny brand popcorn. Have you had that stuff?? The white cheddar is amazing!!! And I don’t like cheesy popcorn, but this is a very mild cheese flavor.  It is delicious.  Anyway, I digress.  So I was looking for popcorn and walked down the potato chip aisle. Little Man was sitting very nicely in the cart and suddenly got the idea in his head that he needed chips. So he asked very politely,

“Mom? Can we get some Doritos please?”

We very rarely have chips in our house. And even more rarely do we have Doritos, so there is no precedent for me ever buying him Doritos. I said no.

“Please Mom? You’re my favorite Mommy and I wuv you.”

Still no. Then he very quickly and very violently turned into a demonically possessed little being and started screaming and thrashing about yelling “I WANT DORITOS!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs. For about 2 hours and 45 minutes. Since this was his first (and certainly not last) fit thrown in a store I was mildly amused. Especially by the ridiculousness of it. I mean, come on, dude, if you’re going to throw a fit, do it over something fit worthy.  Like Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

The incident made me have déjà vu about another time I was meandering through a Wal-Mart. This time at 12:30 am with a couple of girl friends. We were in college. They were drunk. I was the designated driver. How annoying is to be the designated driver? Drunk people are only not annoying if you are also drunk. Then they (and you) are pretty much the most hysterical people in the world.

Anyway, we were walking around Wal-Mart looking for pool noodles. In January. Don’t ask.  I was tired, very unamused, and clearly not in charge of this endeavor. I wasn’t pushing anyone in a cart, but I probably should have been for as much trouble as my friends were having walking down the aisles. I kept trying to steer them clear of the piles of apples and towers of glass vodka bottles.

I’m pretty sure one or both of them told me they loved me. And each other. And every stranger we passed. Which, at 12:30 at night at a Wal-Mart is frankly very terrifying. When we didn’t find any pool noodles (shocking), all of a sudden one friend burst out “I WANT DORITOS!!!”

And then it was a supermarket sweep to get the Doritos as quickly as possible. As they ran through the store looking for the chips, I followed behind saying “Use your walking feet!!” and apologizing on their behalf to all the people they slammed into.  I’m pretty sure one of them cried when she thought all the Doritos were sold out.  Because she was in the paper towel aisle.  And I’m pretty sure a massive three year old-like meltdown was in the works if the Doritos weren’t found.  Which, luckily, they were.  Oddly enough, in the chip aisle.

2.  Lack of filter

Three year old children do not have a filter.  Most drunk girls do possess one, but the alcohol hinders its use and effectiveness.  My three year old says such gems to me as:

“Mommy, why is your {insert body part}  so big?”

“Your breath smells bad”,

“Shhhhhhh….I don’t like when you sing”, and

“You are wearing those pants again?”  

The fact that these statements are said without a filter, sadly, makes them 100% true.   

I also hear sweetness.  

“You are my favorite mommy”.

“Mommy, you look beautiful!”,

“You are the best chicken nugget maker in the world”, and

“You’re the best mommy ever”.

 The fact that these statements are said without a filter makes them also 100% true, and, as such, all the more special.

It is a well documented and researched fact that alcohol effects inhibitory processes.  Which is just a fancy way of saying that too much alcohol makes you say stupid shit.  I, personally, have a problem at times of not always thinking before I speak.  After such an incident, I then have remorse and regret whatever I said.  Then I dwell on it for quite a few hours or days depending on the transgression, and basically make way more out of it than is probably necessary.  Alcohol only intensifies this phenomenon for me.  Minus the remorse.  Because I probably won’t remember what I said long enough to be remorseful about it.

I do remember being at a Christmas party quite a few years ago with a bunch of friends and acquaintances.  There was a flamboyantly gay man at the party.  My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, discretely asked me if the man was gay.  I thought this was the most hysterical question ever asked.  Because it was like asking if the sky is blue.  And also, because I had had 10 glasses of sangria.  So I said to my friend sitting next to me, well maybe not “said”, more like “shouted”, because in addition to having lost my filter, I also, apparently lost my volume control, “HE JUST ASKED ME IF JIM IS GAY!!!!!”  My friend shushed me.  Everyone looked at me.  I laughed. After puking my sangria out all over the side of my boyfriend/ husband’s car while driving down the interstate in zero degree temperatures, I felt remorse.

Which leads me to my next similarity:

3.  Excessive vomiting

I don’t know if it is all three year olds, but my own three year old children have all thrown up more than once in their third year of life.  A lot.  The stomach flu always hits in the middle of the night at our house.  And there is very little warning.  Pretty much exactly like what happens to girls who have spent the night drinking too much.

4.  Excessive crying

Drunk girls cry a lot.  About really stupid things.  So do three year olds.  “Mommy…… I don’t like the color greeeeeeeeeen……”

“Okay?”

“I don’t waaaaant to wear green shorts…”

“Okay? You’re wearing blue pants?”

“Oh.”

I have had this exact same conversation with both a drunk girl and a three year old.  And, yes, strangely they both called me Mommy.

5.  Excessive falling

My three year old falls down a lot.  It’s like his little legs get moving too fast and the rest of him can’t keep up.  He does a sort of wind up run like Fred Flintstone before he actually takes off.  But sometimes his top half moves before his lower half and he just falls over.  And then he either laughs hysterically or he bursts into tears.  It doesn’t help that three year olds have very giant heads.  They are very top heavy.  And they run practically everywhere all the time.  Drunk girls don’t run everywhere. But they do fall down a lot.  And then they either laugh hysterically or they burst into tears.

The take away points from this post?

Three year olds are a challenge and they keep you on your toes.  But they are sweet and fun and learning new things by the minute.

Drunk girls are annoying.

Too much alcohol is bad…. mmmmkay?

 

*footnote:

I was going to add photos to my post to illustrate my main points.  Fortunately for me, I do not have any drunken photos of me or my friends.  Most of my drinking days were in college many years ago, before digital cameras.  And before the interweb.

I also made the mistake of googling images of “drunk girls”.  Big mistake.  Learn from me.  Don’t ever google images of “drunk girls”.

 

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