Let me start by saying that there are many wonderful things that I love about my husband. He is a fantastic father. He makes dinner. He loves to surprise the kids and I. He puts up with me and my neuroses. No one will ever accuse him of being metrosexual. He will always beat me in a foot race. He is a rockstar when it comes to installing carseats. He never eats my yogurt. He makes friends with old ladies wherever he goes. And he cannot keep a beat to save his soul, which I think is adorable.
This is not an exhaustive list of course, but the above are very important qualities to me, so it is a good thing that my husband possesses them. There is, however, one thing that my husband does that I absolutely cannot stand. In fact it makes me physically ill.
My husband sneezes very loudly. And repetitively. Super loud. Like 96 times in a row. Loudly. I cannot explain why this bothers me so much. It is not actually a conscious reaction. It’s like my ears hear an eardrum bursting noise, my body senses it is in danger, and my fight or flight reflex kicks in. My heart starts beating wildly, I start sweating, my hands get clammy. It is probably what a panic attack feels like. If I am able to leave the room I do. But often we are stuck somewhere together, like in the car. The thought of opening my door, jumping out of the moving vehicle, and rolling to safety has crossed my mind on more than one occasion.
He is aware of the effect his sneezing marathons have on me. He, of course, cannot control his sneezes any more than I can control my reaction. In fact, I wouldn’t want him to try to hold those things in for fear that his head would explode or his intestines would fly out.
I saw a pin on Pinterest that was something to the effect of: ” I will say God Bless You the first three times you sneeze. After that you gotta get your shit together. ” So true.
We have managed to have a happy family and marriage for 13 years even with this one major issue. I guess I should be happy that my husband still makes my heart flutter every now and then. Even if it is because of a sneeze- induced panic attack.