My experience on the 3-day monkey diet

Since my 3rd baby was born 20 months ago, I have been struggling to try to lose the last 10 pregnancy lbs.  I say I’ve been struggling, but the struggle mostly happened in my head, since I would think and talk about wanting to lose the 10 lbs, but not really trying that hard to do it.

I came across this crazy pin on Pinterest for a 3 day diet, which, if followed correctly, is alleged to help you lose up to 10 pounds!  Sounds too good to be true, right?  I, of course, was curious so I looked at the “menu”.  What I noticed about this diet was that it was actually food that I would eat.  And it included ice cream!  Sold!  I thought I would give it a try, what did I have to lose?  Oh yeah…… 10 pounds!  The following is a summary of my experience and my results:

Day 1: Sunday: Breakfast:

1 piece toast

2 tbsp peanut butter

½ grapefruit

Coffee or tea

I enjoyed my toast with peanut butter and was pleasantly surprised to learn that 2 tablespoons of peanut butter is about twice what I would normally put on a piece of toast.  I despise grapefruit, so I substituted an orange.  Then my kids all wanted an orange, so I spent about 30 minutes peeling their oranges and then cleaning up the mess they made when they decided they didn’t like to eat oranges, but instead wanted to make orange juice and squeezed the juice all over the table and floor.  I don’t drink coffee or tea, so I waited until about 11:00 and had a Diet Coke.  I figured that was a fair substitution.

Day 1: Lunch

1 piece toast

½ can tuna

I would rather lick the bottom of a stranger’s shoe than eat tuna.  Really.  So, I substituted canned chunk chicken for the tuna.  Still gross, but I heated it up for 1 minute and put it on the toast and it wasn’t entirely inedible.

At about 2:00 in the afternoon I was pretty much ready to gnaw my arm off I was so starving.  I decided to get my lunch ready for the next day since I would have to take it to work.  I cut some cheese (wow, would my 8 year old have a heyday with that one!) and accidentally cut one piece too many.  Not wanting to waste it, I ended up eating it.  It was sharp cheddar, which left a funky taste in my mouth.  I could have walked upstairs to brush my teeth, but that was too much work.  Instead, I walked into the dining room where we had some cherry Twizzlers and ate two of those.  I don’t typically like licorice, but, man, when you’re starving you’ll go to some pretty great lengths.

Day 1: Dinner

3 oz any kind of meat

1 cup green beans

1/2 banana

1 small apple

1 cup vanilla ice cream

My family had chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, and biscuits.  I had chicken, green beans, a whole banana (who eats 1/2 a banana anyway?) and an apple.  And we all had ice cream for dessert.  I felt full and, though I did eye those mashed potatoes longingly, enjoyed this meal.  Especially the ice cream.

By 9:00  my stomach was growling again, and this was the hardest time for me as I’m a big time nighttime snacker.  Is snacker a word?  It should be. Anyway, I drank a big glass of ice water and made myself go to bed.  Who in the world told me that drinking ice water would fool your brain into thinking you were full?  All it fooled my brain into doing was thinking I had to get up and pee all night.

Day 2: Monday am:

Woke up in the morning wondering what in God’s name that horrible smell was.  Then realized in horror that it was me!  Apparently having an empty-ish stomach + all the fiber = one gassy lady in the middle of the night.  Sorry husband! But, was pleased to see when I got on the scale that I did lose 1 lb!

Day 2: Breakfast

1 piece toast

1 egg

1/2 banana

I fried an egg, put it in on the toast, and ate it in the car on my way to work.  It was good, especially since I was famished, but I was nervous the whole time that I would spill on my work clothes.  And I ate the whole banana.  I mean, really… what was I going to do with the other half?  Throw it out the window?  I am nothing if not a decent, law abiding citizen.  It was a small price to pay to avoid littering.

Day 2: Lunch

5 saltine crackers

1 slice cheddar cheese

1 hard boiled egg

Okay…. first of all…. 5 saltine crackers???? What am I, in prison???  I took 10 and enough cheddar cheese to fit on 10 crackers.  It was pretty tasty, but I really needed some wine to go with it. And some summer sausage.  Mmmmm….. summer sausage.   Then I cracked a hard boiled egg at my desk and ate it.  Very strange. The only time I ever eat hard boiled eggs is at Easter, or maybe if they are cut up on a salad.  Definitely needed salt.  And a chocolate bunny chaser.  Oh, and I had a Diet Coke again.  That is one vice I just can’t give up.

Day 2: Dinner

2 hot dogs (no bun)

1 cup broccoli

1/2 cup carrots

1/2 banana

1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

Hot dogs I can do.  Hot dogs with no bun???? I don’t think I’ve eaten a plain hot dog since I was 18 months old.  But…. I was dedicated (semi-dedicated) to the cause, so hot dogs for dinner it was.  The kids are loving this diet!  Hot dogs and ice cream??? Score!  While they enjoyed their hot dogs the normal, American way on a bun with ketchup and mustard, I ate mine the toddler/ geriatric patient way, cut up into little pieces.  I inhaled my steamed broccoli, not because I love it, but because I was starving.  And we didn’t have any carrots, so I substituted corn.  I ate a whole banana (I’m starting to feel a little like a monkey), and skipped the ice cream.  I was going to save it for later, but then I saw that we had some Fiber One Strawberry Peanut Butter and Jelly Granola Bars in our pantry and could NOT get them out of my head, so I substituted that for the ice cream.  Fair trade, I believe.  By 10:00 I was feeling some hunger pains again, so I drank another big glass of ice water and went to bed.

At 11:00, Little Man woke up and was hysterically crying.  I finally figured out he was hungry and took him downstairs to get a little snack.  He pointed to the Lucky Charms so he and I sat on the kitchen floor and ate some Lucky Charms out of the box.  I couldn’t let him snack alone… he was in distress!  I never knew Lucky Charms were so freaking delicious!

Day 3: Tuesday: I was pleased to wake up and not notice any malodorous scents in our bedroom.  I think it was the processed sugar from the Lucky Charms that helped.  I also didn’t feel very hungry.  Got on the scale and had lost 1.6 more lbs!

Day 3: Breakfast

1 piece toast

1 egg

1 banana

This was not the actual menu. The actual plan is: 5 Saltine Crackers, 1 Slice of Cheddar Cheese, and 1 Small Apple and for lunch: 1 hard boiled egg and 1 piece toast.  But, I don’t have easy access to a toaster at work for lunch, so I decided to switch these two meals.  I had a fried egg again instead of a hard boiled egg because who wants to peel and eat a hard boiled egg in the car while driving?  Or ever?  I honestly didn’t read the Day 3 plan very well and just assumed it included 1/2 a banana because every other meal did, and, because I’m such a bad-ass non-1/2 banana rule follower, ate a whole one.  Take that, 3 day diet!!

Day 3: Lunch

10 saltine crackers (was only supposed to be 5)

3 slices (teeny ones) cheddar cheese

1 apple (okay, fine, it was a medium-large sized apple)

and, of course, a Diet Coke

This was pretty much my own menu as I chose to break every “rule” of this diet thus far.  I’m really not doing so hot following this diet.  Part of my problem with it is that it’s not enough food!  The first day’s worth of meals equals to about 1200 calories, which is sufficient, but each day is less, and by day 3 it is only about 800!  Now, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that going from my typical 30,000 or so calories per day (okay, maybe a stretch…. but on Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadstick days, not that far off) to 800 is not very healthy, and, frankly, insane.  So, I modified it to more like 1200 calories.  Maybe I won’t lose 10 lbs, but I also won’t die of hypoglycemic symptoms either.

Speaking of hypoglycemic symptoms, I don’t know if this is one or not, but today at work I was talking with a teacher about something really not tear-worthy and started crying uncontrollably!  Mind you, I partake in a good cry when I watch Dumbo with his mommy and that Baby of Mine song is playing, but I am NOT an at-work crier.   I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  So, I blame it on the diet.  Either that or I am pregnant.  Please God, be the diet!!!

After my emotional meltdown I really wanted some chocolate.  Emotional eating is probably the cause of my extra 10 lbs!  So I had a Special K chocolate and peanut butter protein snack bar.  And then I had another one.  Hey, don’t judge… those suckers are tiny!

Day 3: Dinner

1 cup tuna

1/2 banana

1 cup vanilla ice cream

I had: 1/2 cup of that oh so delicious canned chunky chicken (gag) on a piece of toast, a whole banana and a hard boiled egg.  I had the egg because I didn’t want to just boil one when I made it for day 2, so I made two and the extra was just sitting in the fridge.  My family had spaghetti, garlic breadsticks, and salad.  Not gonna lie, this was a rough night….

Here is what my family ate. Yum!

This is what I ate. Disgusting.

And yet, as is typical fashion, Little Man whined and cried for what I was eating.  Seriously little dude.  I am going to bite that finger off if you don’t quit pointing at my disgusting canned chicken and start eating your delicious pasta.

Wednesday morning:

I stepped on the scale this morning to find out my final results.  I had lost one more pound.  So, a total of 3.6 lbs in three days.  Not too shabby!  My hope is that this will be a jump start and I can keep it off, plus the 6.4 I have left.  If I had followed the diet exactly, could have I lost 10 lbs?  Probably, but I also would have lost my job and possibly my husband from turning into a starvation-induced pile of crazy bitch!  I liked my way better.

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